Resources

Often clients starting mediation do not realize that they are beginning a negotiation. Many have no experience in negotiation and have not properly prepared themselves for the process. A well-prepared client will be more comfortable in mediation and will negotiate more confidently and effectively.

We recommend that all clients at least consult a family lawyer before attending mediation.

It is common for one or even both parties to a mediation to have conflicted feelings about their separation. A degree of ambivalence and confusion is normal. Some times, one person’s real goal is to reconcile. In such cases, the first issue the parties need to talk about is whether reconciliation is “on the table”. If both parties feel that it is worth pursuing, the mediator should adjourn the mediation and send them to a couples counselour. If one of the parties is not willing to talk about reconciliation, then it cannot be an agenda item for the mediation process.

The solution depends on what you really want. If you want a process that determines your legal rights and obligations, and if you have the emotional ability to withstand an adversarial process and the financial ability to pay for it, go to court. But be prepared: your expectations may be unrealistic and you may come out the other end more angry and resentful than you were going in.

If you are willing to participate in a process that de-escalates rather than aggravates conflict and focuses on what each spouse and the children need in addition to legal rights and obligations, you may want to consider mediation

Sometimes a conflict is driven by the personalities of the people involved. They engage in patterns of blame; do not respond well to problem solving ideas; they try to find people who will take their side; they seem oblivious to the other person’s needs; and they tend to attack aggressively when they do not like the way things are going.

These can be hard cases to settle. People with high conflict personalities are unlikely to acknowledge the difficulties they cause; confronting them will only make them feel angry and defensive.

So how do you mediate such a case? The answer is “not easily”. But, it must be remembered, no process is going to be easy with such a difficult personality, and mediation is often the best option available.